Solaris

Sa wakas, napanood ko na rin ang Solaris. And I quote:

I was silent, attentive. I made a conscious effort to smile--not stand--and perform the million gestures that constitute life on earth, and studied these gestures until it became reflexes again. But I was haunted by the idea that I remember her wrong. Somehow, I was wrong about everything.

Nakabalik na rin sa akin ang Memento--iba pa rin talaga ang epekto ng film na ito sa akin. Ayaw gumana ng unang cd. Sira na siguro (which reminds me, kailangan ko nang bumili ng bago). Kaya iyung pangalawang cd na lang ang napanood ko uli. Ang ganda talaga!

Do I lie to myself to be happy? I have to believe in a world outside my mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning. And if I don't remember them, I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world is still there. Is it still there?

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Sa susunod na buwan, kapag nakita ko siya uli, malamang tatawanan niya ako. Alam ko na ang sasabihin niya sa akin: ininom mo lang ang hot chocolate mo noon at hindi narinig ang mga sinabi ko sa pagitan ng kape at cheesecake (this, or something like it--intro pa lang iyan ng sermon na matatanggap ko).

Yes, I was warned. Iniisip ko ngayon--can a warning really warn? Parang wala namang seryosong nakikinig sa mga babala. I listened though (between the sips and a half open mind, I did). I was to text her the other day: Sayang, wala ka dito. Pero kunsabagay, parang wala rin naman ako dito.